December 2011
fuck this. i'm getting a smoothie
seriously. fuck.
just remembered i had an appointment a 3pm
which i fucking forgot about and napped through.
awesome.
November 2011
Why being a girl isn't working out for me:
Body: Oh, guess what time of the month it is!
Me: Please, god, no--
Ovaries: ALL SYSTEMS GOOOOOOOO!!!
Brain: I quit. i quit. kittens and cupcakes and no one loves me. oh my god salty snacks i am furious
Me: Please, guys, calm down--
Face: TIME TO RUIN EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER LIKED ABOUT ME. I'M GROWING MOUNTAINS, BITCHES.
Brain: And now I'm ugly! shbdksdnksbn
Torso: Time to practice labor. cramp this bitch up. GO GO GO GO GO GO
Me: STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
Stomach: lol clothes cant fit you anymore. you are bloated. you are now a balloooooooon!
Me: I hate you all
Brain: I KNOW EVERYONE HATES ME I AM SO DEPRESSED. we need to procreate.
Face: Lol, i'm not done yet.
Uterus: what did i ever do to deserve this?
Brain: you just wait uterus. they're going to make you hold a baby for like 9 months straight.
Uterus: You mother fuckers.
Torso: CONTRACT!
Me: I quit being female, I am now a llama.
Brain: Me gusta.
A poem by Tate Langdon
coffeemustache:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I fucked your mom
before I fucked you
3rd grade
friend: *whispering* if you're stupid say "what"
me: what
friend: OH MAN
OH
OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST
I GOT YOU SO GOOD, THAT WAS AWESOME
SWEET, SWEET DICKS IN MY MOUTH. I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED THIS HARD. EVER.
JESUS. JESUS HELP ME.
